Updated: Feb 12
It's easy to forget things.
For me, it is exceptionally easy to forget God's goodness in my life (my son's name means goodness, and I still choose to forget). I don't know why that is. I think once I'm out of whatever season I am in, my immediate reaction is to thank and worship God for seeing me through. Still, I go about my life and act as if I'm the one who got me out of that situation. It's, unfortunately, a huge character flaw of mine and speaks to my arrogance and pride. I think I'm coming to realize that, especially in this season, I have absolutely no control over anything in this life…nothing at all. The fact that I can even type these words is solely due to the grace of God; apart from him, I am nothing. Literally nothing. That sounds so bleak and depressing, but it is such a freeing statement. I have no control over anything…God is going to do what he wants to do regardless of what I have to say, do, or think. I'm literally just here.
I have been struggling to not blame myself. I feel like I am at fault and that I caused this.
Am I doing too much?
Was I too stressed?
Did I overexert myself somehow?
Did I eat/drink something?
I need to know how and why this happened, as if my finite mind can comprehend God's perfect design. Like I am on the same level as God and can be privy to things I have no control over. It hurts. It really does; I feel like a failure and that this is my fault.
When these thoughts come about, the first thing I do is rebuke them. I try not to dwell on it for too long. Like Job said in Job 1:21, "The Lord gives, and he takes away," and "though he slays me, I will trust in Him"(Job 13:15). I'd never felt that so profoundly until this all happened.
There is power in remembering. When life happens, my focus should be on the Lord and not on my current situation. When life happens, I need to cling to the truth that God is still the same God today, as He was yesterday and as He always will be (Hebrews 13:8).
My sinful nature causes me to want to forget; it forces me to rely on my strength and not on God's. I try to do all this alone like my life is mine, not the Lord's. So, where do I go from this? Complete dependence on the Lord.
In my dependence on the Lord, I need to fill my mind with Scripture, prayers, and worship and REMEMBER who God is. God is not a god who does not sympathize with my weaknesses, but He IS God, fully man and fully divine. He experienced death, grief, sorrow, pain, and isolation to the fullest extent and yet is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).