Updated: Feb 12
My frustration with Christianity.
The older and more mature I have become in my faith, I understand how and why people can deconstruct their faith.
I get it…I really do. This is not me saying I am renouncing my faith in Christ. Still, I can see how people may feel spurned by the church or "community" and struggle with doubts and unbelief in their faith and not feel like they have a safe space to express their feelings.
My struggle with Christianity is that people are not really trying to live out what they say they are about….at least in my life, I grew up in an idealistic, perhaps very naive college ministry that gave me and others a false sense of community. Of course, I understand there is no perfect church and no perfect ministry. Still, as Christians, we should be about what we say we are about. We are called to carry each other's burdens and live life with others, considering others over ourselves, but it doesn't feel like that. I understand life gets busy, but it seems as if the people we thought would be in our corner do not seem to care for us.
It almost feels like our friends feel like miscarriages are contagious...of course, I don't think they actually believe that. When life gets really real, really fast, people may not have ever been faced with such a burden and, as a result, don't know how to be there for you. When the vision you had for your life comes crashing down on all sides; when you are in the thickness of life and marriage; when you are ANGRY with God and QUESTIONING God, I have found that some Christians may feel awkward and uncomfortable. But I think having these doubts and feelings is human and biblical. Biblical in the sense that the people we read about in the Bible had these thoughts, frustration, and doubts as well, but they trusted that the Lord is who He said He is and continued to trust in Him.
As I said, I am not denouncing or renouncing my faith in Christ. Perhaps I am losing faith in ever finding a solid community of believers. I think Christians are too worried about doing things according to the world's standard, which is a standard we were never called to live towards. I desire friends who will just pull up to my house and sit on my couch, eat our food (bring us food), and just talk about uncomfortable things with us; friends who will text me and ask how I'm doing spiritually and emotionally, offer to watch my son for free, and not send me a generic invite and neglect to ask how I'm doing.
Honestly, I may not be frustrated with Christianity as a whole, but just frustrated with the inconsistency I have felt with my Christian friends. This season of growth and grief has shown us that we may be outgrowing our current community. I think this season requires a stronger type of community and a stronger church family. I think we have graduated from the current kind of community we had and are searching for more friends and community to honestly do life-on- life with us.