Updated: Sep 2
The day we were told our baby no longer has a heartbeat...
The day I now view as one of the most defining points in my life.
I could not have made it this whole year if not for the grace of God and the strength of the Holy Spirit.
That day began with anxious excitement but ended with emptiness and what felt like a cloud of darkness upon us.
Every day after that felt dark; we were just going through the motions.
I remember not wanting to do anything; I felt frozen in time. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and for the whole world to stop...just wanted everything to stop.
How could life continue as if nothing happened when my child died in my womb? The baby we were very excited to bring into this world, the baby that would have had the best big brother and parents who adored them so much already, was taken away so soon.
It was such an unbelievably hard time that I did not think I could come out on the other side.
It was a time filled with hurt, shame, guilt, and loneliness.
A year later, I'm learning to give people grace.
I'm learning that family, friends, and loved ones, no matter how much you want them to, cannot provide comfort the way God does.
I'm learning to run to God with my hurts and pain.
I'm learning that God wants me to run to him in those dark and unbelievably hard moments.
I'm learning the Holy Spirit is not only our comforter, but He gives strength in times of weakness.
Recently I learned the Greek word for comfort means "to come alongside and help," which has been an ever-present truth for me. Before this, I always thought comfort meant to "make someone feel good," but this is not true. The Holy Spirit did not make me feel better; He did not take away my sadness and grief, but the Spirit was there for me in ways no one else could have been. The Spirit did not dismiss my feelings but allowed me the freedom to feel everything and still drew nearer to me.
The Holy Spirit continually walks alongside and is always helping and strengthening me.
It is the Holy Spirit who interceded for me when I had no words, only tears.
When I was too depressed to pray, the Spirit himself interceded for me through wordless groanings.
So as I reflect on our lives and our story this past year, I can honestly say "Thank you God" for the Holy Spirit.
While we grieve our pregnancy losses, we can also rejoice in the truth of who God is.
Both joy and grief can exist at the same time.